For more information on this complicated issue, refer to the following resources:
Crisis Assistance
For telephone support and local resource information, victims can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or find the nearest shelter/support program via an online map at http://www.theraveproject.com/help.php.
Christian Ministries
Mending the Soul Ministries—http://www.mendingthesoulministries.org/
PASCH (Peace and Safety in the Christian Home)—http://www.peaceandsafety.com/
RAVE (Religion and Violence e-Learning)—http://www.theraveproject.com/
DVD“When Love Hurts” by Day of Discovery television. View it online at: http://www.rbc.org/radio_and_tv/day_of_discovery/58158.aspx
Books
No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence by Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark.
Refuge from Abuse: Healing and Hope for Abused Christian Women by Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark.
Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know by Al Miles.
Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse by Steven.Tracy.
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.
Welcome!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Domestic Violence in the Church
*This article was first published in the March 16, 2008, issue of Today's Pentecostal Evangel.
The daughter of a pastor, Julie Owens grew up in a Christian home. She dreamed of modeling her parents’ healthy marriage with her own husband one day.
Shortly after her wedding, however, her husband David became jealous and suspicious, angrily accusing Julie of unfaithfulness and interrogating her for hours on end. He pulled the phones out of the wall and hid the car keys from her. When she tried to leave the house, he blocked the doorway.
“I was living a nightmare,” says Julie. “The church denied that I was in a dangerous situation. I got the message: ‘Pray harder, be a better wife, stand by your man.’ I was doing all that, but things got worse.”
After a separation during which David received counseling, he threatened her at knifepoint. Heartbroken and terrified, Julie filed for divorce.
Less than three weeks later, David ambushed Julie and her father, stabbing both of them repeatedly. David was imprisoned, Julie and her father were hospitalized, and their shocked church stood by them as they recovered from what was previously denied: domestic violence.
More than 5 million incidents of "intimate partner violence" against U.S. women are reported every year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDCP). With a conservative estimate of one in every four women experiencing domestic violence in her lifetime, the U.S. surgeon general described violence against women as the No. 1 public health problem of women in America.
Domestic violence is willful intimidation or abusive behavior used to control an intimate partner. It includes: physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse and economic abuse, whereby the abuser maintains total control over the household finances.
In their book No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, Nancy Nason-Clark and Catherine Clark Kroeger report that incidence rates of domestic violence among active churchgoers are about the same as of the general population, but the likelihood of an abused woman seeking help might be lower.
“For Christian women the issue is so much more complicated because we believe in the sanctity of marriage,” says Owens.
While women also initiate violence against their partners, male violence against women is far more damaging. According to the CDCP, 36 percent of all emergency room visits by women are the result of violence at the hand of their male intimate partners. The FBI reported in 2001 that almost one-third of reported female homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner.
The “Cycle of Violence” first articulated by Lenore Walker applies to many abusive relationships, but varies according to culture and ethnicity. It consists of the tension-building phase, the explosion or acute battering phase and the loving contrition phase, during which the abuser apologizes, offers gifts and promises to change. This third phase can last days or months before the cycle begins again. Victims of domestic violence can go through this cycle for years if not decades.
“It’s mind-boggling,” says Janice Romney, who survived 15 years of abuse. “Before many victims get into an abusive relationship, they’ve already been conditioned to believe that pain and rejection go along with love. If we already feel unworthy, we easily take the blame for being abused.”
Romney, author of Beneath Wings of an Angel, says the emotional and psychological abuse she received caused far deeper scars than the physical battering. She is not alone; domestic violence results in more than 18.5 million mental health visits each year, said the CDCP in 2003.
Carolyn Thomas succumbed to an abusive partner for eight years before he shot her point blank in the face in a fit of jealous rage in 2003. The bullet destroyed her right eye, her cheeks, her nose, her upper jaw, the roof of her mouth and most of her teeth.
“I used to think it was cute that my boyfriend was jealous of me,” Thomas tells people now. “Take a long look at me. There is nothing cute about this face and the surgeries and the stares.”
One of the most predictable characteristics of abusers is that they witnessed abuse growing up. They are hyper-controlling individuals, and shift the blame fiercely away from themselves. Christian men often abuse because they mistakenly believe Scripture gives them the right to force wives into submission through violence. Even pastors and church leaders are abusers.
“It’s cognitive distortion that Satan has created,” says Steven R. Tracy, Phoenix Seminary professor and author of Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse. “You’ll hear things like, ‘She forced me to hit her, she wouldn’t respect me. I had to do that.’”
Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, says the abuser believes he is far superior to the woman he is abusing. “There is profound and repeating disrespect,” says Bancroft. “She is bullied, demeaned, humiliated.” Other trademark characteristics of abusers include jealousy, insecurity and deceptiveness.
“This is not about anger management,” says CarolAnn Peterson, adjunct faculty at the University of Southern California Graduate School of Social Work. “It’s about power and control. Abusers see their partners as possessions.”
On average, victims make seven to ten escape attempts before succeeding permanently. Usually the abuser controls the money, and often he has turned people against her, so her resources are very limited. Abusers also stalk their victims, manipulating and threatening them until they return. Seventy-five percent of those who die by their partners are killed after they leave or while they are attempting to leave.
If a victim leaves her home but keeps her job, the abuser can stalk her at work. There were 516 workplace homicides by partners in 2006, according to the Department of Labor.
“Leaving is the most dangerous thing a victim can do, which is why it is imperative that the church leaders be trained and that she work with the resources (both secular and Christian) as she is planning to leave,” says Owens, now an expert in the field of domestic violence with 20 years experience, including managing church-based shelters for battered women and children.
In 2001, Journal of Religion and Abuse cited that one million Christian women reported being victims of spouse abuse.
“We must say this is not biblical, this is not the way we interact with each other,” says Beth Swagman, author of Responding to Domestic Violence: A Resource for Church Leaders. “Refusing to do anything in your own church environment to change this hurts all women everywhere.”
Mary Tellez of San Antonio is district coordinator for AoG Fragile Souls ministry for victims and survivors of domestic violence. A survivor herself, she says, “The church is responsible to provide a safe haven. This is an opportunity for those of us who know the Lord to tell them how God can come in and heal them.”
Domestic violence survivors say acknowledgement of their abuse is what they most want from the church. “We can be quickly overwhelmed with the subject, but just to start with, acknowledge from the pulpit that it does happen, that God hates abuse. Violence is condemned hundreds of times in scripture,” says Tracy. “Pastors can pray for those touched by abuse. We can provide resources. Standing beside and protecting the oppressed is truly at the heart of God.”
Experts agree that marriage counseling doesn’t work. “Nine times out of ten, an abuser hears only what she is doing wrong, and feels justified,” says Tracy. Peterson also points out that the victim can’t be truthful in a couples’ session. More appropriate would be a batterer intervention program for the abuser and a domestic violence shelter/support group for the victim.
“It’s critical that churches work with existing agencies and the court system,” says Owens. “I wish my church had known local resources. Things could have been very different for me. Looking back, I’m not glad I was abused, but I’ve been so blessed by the things that have happened as a result of it. God uses adversity for his glory. I’m so happy that by sharing our story we can help others.”
The daughter of a pastor, Julie Owens grew up in a Christian home. She dreamed of modeling her parents’ healthy marriage with her own husband one day.
Shortly after her wedding, however, her husband David became jealous and suspicious, angrily accusing Julie of unfaithfulness and interrogating her for hours on end. He pulled the phones out of the wall and hid the car keys from her. When she tried to leave the house, he blocked the doorway.
“I was living a nightmare,” says Julie. “The church denied that I was in a dangerous situation. I got the message: ‘Pray harder, be a better wife, stand by your man.’ I was doing all that, but things got worse.”
After a separation during which David received counseling, he threatened her at knifepoint. Heartbroken and terrified, Julie filed for divorce.
Less than three weeks later, David ambushed Julie and her father, stabbing both of them repeatedly. David was imprisoned, Julie and her father were hospitalized, and their shocked church stood by them as they recovered from what was previously denied: domestic violence.
More than 5 million incidents of "intimate partner violence" against U.S. women are reported every year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDCP). With a conservative estimate of one in every four women experiencing domestic violence in her lifetime, the U.S. surgeon general described violence against women as the No. 1 public health problem of women in America.
Domestic violence is willful intimidation or abusive behavior used to control an intimate partner. It includes: physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse and economic abuse, whereby the abuser maintains total control over the household finances.
In their book No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, Nancy Nason-Clark and Catherine Clark Kroeger report that incidence rates of domestic violence among active churchgoers are about the same as of the general population, but the likelihood of an abused woman seeking help might be lower.
“For Christian women the issue is so much more complicated because we believe in the sanctity of marriage,” says Owens.
While women also initiate violence against their partners, male violence against women is far more damaging. According to the CDCP, 36 percent of all emergency room visits by women are the result of violence at the hand of their male intimate partners. The FBI reported in 2001 that almost one-third of reported female homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner.
The “Cycle of Violence” first articulated by Lenore Walker applies to many abusive relationships, but varies according to culture and ethnicity. It consists of the tension-building phase, the explosion or acute battering phase and the loving contrition phase, during which the abuser apologizes, offers gifts and promises to change. This third phase can last days or months before the cycle begins again. Victims of domestic violence can go through this cycle for years if not decades.
“It’s mind-boggling,” says Janice Romney, who survived 15 years of abuse. “Before many victims get into an abusive relationship, they’ve already been conditioned to believe that pain and rejection go along with love. If we already feel unworthy, we easily take the blame for being abused.”
Romney, author of Beneath Wings of an Angel, says the emotional and psychological abuse she received caused far deeper scars than the physical battering. She is not alone; domestic violence results in more than 18.5 million mental health visits each year, said the CDCP in 2003.
Carolyn Thomas succumbed to an abusive partner for eight years before he shot her point blank in the face in a fit of jealous rage in 2003. The bullet destroyed her right eye, her cheeks, her nose, her upper jaw, the roof of her mouth and most of her teeth.
“I used to think it was cute that my boyfriend was jealous of me,” Thomas tells people now. “Take a long look at me. There is nothing cute about this face and the surgeries and the stares.”
One of the most predictable characteristics of abusers is that they witnessed abuse growing up. They are hyper-controlling individuals, and shift the blame fiercely away from themselves. Christian men often abuse because they mistakenly believe Scripture gives them the right to force wives into submission through violence. Even pastors and church leaders are abusers.
“It’s cognitive distortion that Satan has created,” says Steven R. Tracy, Phoenix Seminary professor and author of Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse. “You’ll hear things like, ‘She forced me to hit her, she wouldn’t respect me. I had to do that.’”
Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, says the abuser believes he is far superior to the woman he is abusing. “There is profound and repeating disrespect,” says Bancroft. “She is bullied, demeaned, humiliated.” Other trademark characteristics of abusers include jealousy, insecurity and deceptiveness.
“This is not about anger management,” says CarolAnn Peterson, adjunct faculty at the University of Southern California Graduate School of Social Work. “It’s about power and control. Abusers see their partners as possessions.”
On average, victims make seven to ten escape attempts before succeeding permanently. Usually the abuser controls the money, and often he has turned people against her, so her resources are very limited. Abusers also stalk their victims, manipulating and threatening them until they return. Seventy-five percent of those who die by their partners are killed after they leave or while they are attempting to leave.
If a victim leaves her home but keeps her job, the abuser can stalk her at work. There were 516 workplace homicides by partners in 2006, according to the Department of Labor.
“Leaving is the most dangerous thing a victim can do, which is why it is imperative that the church leaders be trained and that she work with the resources (both secular and Christian) as she is planning to leave,” says Owens, now an expert in the field of domestic violence with 20 years experience, including managing church-based shelters for battered women and children.
In 2001, Journal of Religion and Abuse cited that one million Christian women reported being victims of spouse abuse.
“We must say this is not biblical, this is not the way we interact with each other,” says Beth Swagman, author of Responding to Domestic Violence: A Resource for Church Leaders. “Refusing to do anything in your own church environment to change this hurts all women everywhere.”
Mary Tellez of San Antonio is district coordinator for AoG Fragile Souls ministry for victims and survivors of domestic violence. A survivor herself, she says, “The church is responsible to provide a safe haven. This is an opportunity for those of us who know the Lord to tell them how God can come in and heal them.”
Domestic violence survivors say acknowledgement of their abuse is what they most want from the church. “We can be quickly overwhelmed with the subject, but just to start with, acknowledge from the pulpit that it does happen, that God hates abuse. Violence is condemned hundreds of times in scripture,” says Tracy. “Pastors can pray for those touched by abuse. We can provide resources. Standing beside and protecting the oppressed is truly at the heart of God.”
Experts agree that marriage counseling doesn’t work. “Nine times out of ten, an abuser hears only what she is doing wrong, and feels justified,” says Tracy. Peterson also points out that the victim can’t be truthful in a couples’ session. More appropriate would be a batterer intervention program for the abuser and a domestic violence shelter/support group for the victim.
“It’s critical that churches work with existing agencies and the court system,” says Owens. “I wish my church had known local resources. Things could have been very different for me. Looking back, I’m not glad I was abused, but I’ve been so blessed by the things that have happened as a result of it. God uses adversity for his glory. I’m so happy that by sharing our story we can help others.”
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