"I Hated Myself"

*This story ran in the September/October 2008 issue of Today's Christian.

One former soldier's struggles with PTSD--and how God has sustained him.

It has been more than six years since West Point graduate Nate Self led his team of Army Rangers on the rescue mission on a snowy mountain peak in Afghanistan. But the grisly memories are never very far away.

On March 4, 2002, they were sent to recover a fallen Navy SEAL in enemy territory. When the Chinook helicopter was shot down in an ambush, a 15-hour firefight ensued. For Self, the battle resulted in a Silver Star for valor, a Purple Heart, and later, a position of honor as President Bush’s guest for the 2003 State of the Union address.

But Self didn’t want to be honored. In fact, by 2004, he wanted to die.

Severe post-traumatic stress disorder had delivered a near-fatal blow to this war hero; he left the Army in late 2004, cutting short a would-be military career. Vivid nightmares, anxiety, anger and self-destructive behavior took hold of him.

“I just hated myself,” says Self. “I felt like I was somebody different. And since I didn’t feel like I could be who I was before and hated who I was now, I just wanted to kill the new person. I felt like I had messed up everything in my life. The easiest way, the most cowardly way to escape was to just—depart.”

Though he never asked for help or told anyone he was contemplating suicide, Self’s parents intervened to direct him to the help he needed. Christian Army chaplains trained in PTSD provided counseling and he went to group therapy sessions at the VA. But he also joined a small group at his church, First Baptist Church in Belton, Texas, for vets with PTSD. The leader was his chaplain counselor.

“At the VA small group, we talked about symptoms, but we were never allowed to talk about our experiences because they were so afraid it would trigger us. But it was those experiences we needed to talk about the most. At the church, we got in the Word, bathed all sessions in prayer, told our stories, wrote about and shared our experiences. That was extremely therapeutic. We looked at spiritual solutions and examples of warriors in the Bible. Turning my PTSD into Christian service has helped me get past to the other side of it, too.”

The writing that Self began at church developed into his memoir, Two Wars: One Hero’s Fight on Two Fronts—Abroad and Within (Tyndale House). Self also helps train churches from New York to San Diego on PTSD by sharing his testimony through Bridges to Healing.

Not in bondage to PTSD
Today, Self’s PTSD is much less severe, but some symptoms still remain. He still has haunting dreams almost every night, intrusive thoughts and certain problems with anger. He still feels somewhat emotionally numb. While he used to wonder if complete healing was possible, he has since decided that answer doesn’t matter.

“I don’t know if it’s right to say, ’I want to be healed from all this,’ because it’s a very humbling thing to be in this position and know that you’re being held in grace,” he says. “It equips you for better ministry and service. To wish away this thorn in my side would remove a significant portion of my testimony. It’s not that I have to be in bondage to PTSD. What matters is, now that I have it, what am I going to do with it?”

Self now works as a consultant on officer-training materials for the Army and is active in his own church’s military ministry, which serves 100 active duty military members and their families in their 3000-member church.

“The easiest way to serve veterans with PTSD is to first have a real military ministry in your church, because you just don’t know who may have PTSD,” says Self. “There are a lot of practical ways you can help military families: mow yards, watch kids, do stuff around the house, have a meal, talk about what’s going on.”

First Baptist Church in Belton also provides child care so military couples can go out on date, or wives with deployed husbands can just get a break. The church puts together care packages for deployed soldiers and “reverse” care packages for their families made up of items the deployed soldier wants the family to have. A network of older men volunteers to take kids fishing while dads are deployed.

When Self was experiencing darker days with PTSD, members of his church reached out and listened to him. Now, he’s passing it along.

“When soldiers come home, I’ll take them to breakfast or lunch as soon as I can,” he says. “They need people to be interested, to show that they care. If people think that the VA hospital will solve all the problems, you’ll overlook the greatest source of healing in any situation—Jesus. The majority component for recovery is a spiritual solution, more than any secular clinical answer.”